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Pedro got to get his picture taken with the Easter Bunny for the first time this year.  (I
realize Easter was several weeks ago and this post is a bit late, but hey, I’m a procrastinator.  What do you expect?) Anyways, as you can tell by the look on Pedro’s face, he wasn’t super thrilled about it.  Even do, this seemed like the opportune time for an interview so I sat down with the Easter Bunny to get the scoop.

 

Me: Well, hello, Mr. Easter Bunny.  Do you have an actual name I should call you by?

Easter Bunny: You can call me Tom. (He said this in a really sleazy voice.  WTF?)

Me: No, I mean like a bunny name.

Easter Bunny: Just call me Tom, sweetheart.

Me: Okay Tom.  So how do you like being the Easter Bunny?

Easter Bunny: Oh, it a dream, doll.  I just love children and small animals.

Me: You must to let them sit on your lap all day.

Easter Bunny: That’s the best part.  (This bunny was totally creeping me out.)

Me: Don’t you also hide eggs?

Easter Bunny: Only in my own house…when children come over.

Me: O-kay.  Umm, there’s a bulge in your bunny suit.  Please tell me that’s a carrot in your pocket.

Easter Bunny: Come to the restroom with me and I’ll show you my carrot all right.

Me: Uh, actually it’s time for me to go now.  I have to take my dog somewhere…..anywhere.  Thanks for the interview and stay away from children…and my dog!

Wow!  Who would have thought the Easter Bunny was a complete and totally perverted pedophile who was also into beastiality?  He looked so sweet and innocent at first.  My poor Pedro probably got fondled while he was getting his picture taken with the Easter Bunny.  Pedro’s face definitely makes a lot more sense now.   Happy Belated Easter!

I’m definitely not a high maintenance girl.  I’m also somewhat lazy when it comes to my appearance.  I like pony tails, Yoga pants, no makeup, and pretty much anything that is comfortable.  But, like all girls, I do feel good when someone compliments me, especially when I actually put some effort into the way I look.

However, when passive aggressive people feel the need to compliment you, but only do it to mask a criticism, they ticks me off.  I just find it totally unnecessary.  Didn’t your mother ever tell you if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all?  If not, she should have.  Here are some examples of what I mean:

• Oh wow, you wore your hair down today.  Usually it’s in a ponytail.  You should wear your hair like this more often.  It looks way better than the ponytail.  (Wow, thanks for telling me my hair looks like crap most days.  A simple your hair looks nice today would have sufficed.)
• Did you die your hair?  I don’t see all of the gray strands anymore. (Thanks for pointing out my first sign of middle age.  All you had to say was, I like your hair color.)
• Your makeup look nice today.  You should do your makeup like that every day.  The natural look you normally have is way out of fashion now.  (The nicest thing I could think to say to that was, “Okay.”  What I really wanted to say was, “Thanks, but I’d rather go natural that look like Bozo the clown every day.)

There used to be this one lady at my work (that finally retired-thank God) who felt the need to comment on my clothing almost everyday, and it was always some kind of put down disguised as a compliment.  Sometimes, there wasn’t even a compliment to mask the criticism.  I was 26 at the time and when you’re in your twenties, you can get away with wearing skirts that are a little shorter.  One day, I walked past this lady and she started singing, “Who wears short skirts, she wears short skirts.”  Another time I had on a bright, silky, coral blouse and she started singing, “Lady in red!” Yeah, not only was she rude, but she was a weirdo also.  

So basically, the moral of the story is, if you don’t have a genuinely nice compliment to give someone, shut your f*cking mouth.  Your rude ass comments are totally unnecessary.

I love doing Yoga.  Or should a say, I love the idea of doing Yoga. (I don’t actually do it that much.)  I found this gem of a book at my local Half Price Books not long ago.  It has all kinds of Doga poses for your dog.  Pedro and I have been trying some of them out and he seems to really like doing it.  If you have a dog, you should check this book out.  In my opinion, Dogs are the most Zen creatures on the planet, so it’s only natural that they would like doing Doga.

Pedro’s favorite pose is the Corpse Pose.  No, I didn’t make that up, it’s an actual pose in the book.  If only Yoga was that easy for us.  Come to think of it, this is actually my favorite pose too.  Pedro and I do it together all of the time.

If you would like to incorporate your dog into your own yoga routine, here are two additional books you may want to check out.  They show you how to do traditional Yoga poses with your dog.

Doga: Yoga for You and Your Dog

by Lisa Recchione

 

Doga: Yoga for you and your Dog

by Mahny Djahanguiri

I love my dog.  I think that’s pretty obvious to anyone who knows me.  I think Pedro loves me too (I mean, I am his dog mom).  Someone at work the other day asked me if I was ever going to have kids.  I replied, “I already do.  I have Pedro.”

“No, I mean real kids,” they said.

“He is a real kid,” I replied.  “And I’d be willing to bet he’s a better kid than yours is.”  Then, to justify that response, I came up with 10 reasons why dogs are better than kids.  And of course, I’m going to share those reasons with you, so here goes.

 

1) No CPS problems.  You can leave a dog at home without a babysitter and you don’t have to worry about your neighbor calling CPS  on you, and there’s no age restriction.  A puppy may be a baby, but you can still leave him by himself with virtually no consequences (unless of course he poops in your shoe and you don’t realize it until you put the shoe on).

2) No nasty diapers.  You can train a dog to go outside while they’re still a puppy, and it takes way less time than training a toddler.  Bet you can’t say that about your kid.

3) They cost less.  Even with Vet bills, dogs are still cheaper than children because they don’t want to play sports or do cheerleading, you don’t have to buy them new clothes every year (in fact, you don’t have to buy them clothes at all), and they’re perfectly content playing with an old sock so no expensive toys are required.

4) They don’t talk back.  In fact, dogs don’t talk at all, which is nice.  Of course, they do bark occasionally but your kid will make 9 times more noise than a dog in the first two years of life according to a survey I made up for this blog post.

5) Dogs are way lower maintenance. You only have to bathe a dog once a month.  You have to wash a kid like every day.  Unless, of course, you don’t mind sending your child to school all dirty and stinky, in which case the school principle is likely to call CPS on you this time instead of your neighbor.

6) Dogs like to nap a lot.  I also like to nap a lot.  Who doesn’t?  So I would say that’s a perfect match.  A sleeping dog is also very quiet (see #4) and they don’t cry when they wake up, they simply get of out their bed and stroll around the house until they find you.

7) Dogs are smarter than babies.  My dog was already an escape artist by the time he was one year old.  He could get past any barrier in the house.  Your kid was probably still drooling on himself and couldn’t even walk yet when he was a year old.  Enough said!

8) Dogs are more self-sufficient.  From the very get go, a dog can walk, go outside and pee by himself, and entertain himself with squeaky toys.  Show me a baby that can do at least one of those things and I’ll be impressed.

9) Dogs are more considerate.  They don’t wake you up in the middle of the night because they had a bad dream.  Instead, if a dog does wake up, he usually just goes back to sleep with bothering you at all.  And, dogs don’t tell you the food you just spent an hour cooking tastes bad.  They pretty much eat everything like it’s their last meal, making you feel like a professional chef.

10) Dogs have shorter life spans.  The longest a dog can live is 16-17 years.  Your kid could live up to 80-90 years.  Therefore, if you end up with an asshole kid, you could be stuck with them for the rest of your life!  If you end up with an asshole dog, all you have to do is wait util he dies and you can go get a different one.

I’m very thankful for my dog child.  He means the world to me.  I wouldn’t trade him for a human child no matter what.  Even if you offered me a ton of money!  Or said you would make me a famous ukulele player!  Or told me I could have a lifetime supply of Little Debbie Snacks!  Well, let’s not get too crazy now.  I’ll be honest, I might go for the little Debbie Snacks, as long as I didn’t have to share them with my human kid of course.

For those who don’t know what upcycling is, it’s the process of transforming by-products, waste materials, useless, or unwanted products into new materials or products of better quality or for better environmental value.  (Thanks for the definition Wikipedia!)  I love upcycling projects, and if Star Wars is involved, you know it’s right down my alley.

I came across this Star Wars Craft book at Barnes & Noble and I knew I had to have it. One of my favorite projects in it is the “Wookiee Bird House”, which I am going to tell you how to make in this week’s post.

Here’s what you’ll need:

• 1/2 – gallon milk or juice carton (cleaned)
• Black, white, and brown Acrylic paints
• Paintbrush
• Scissors
• Craft sticks (popsicle sticks) or twigs
• Spray on sealant
• Strong crafting glue
• 2 googly eyes
• Unsalted sunflower seeds, various birdseed

Here’s how to make it:

1. Cut a hole midway in the carton for birds to go in and out.  Paint the inside black.
2. Paint the milk carton brown and paint the cap black (this will be Chewbacca’s nose).  Let it dry.
3. Glue twigs or craft sticks side by side to the outside walls of the carton.  Snap sticks to fit smaller spaces.  Let dry.
4. Paint it brown like Chewbacca’s fur.  Let dry.
5. Now you need to give Chewie a face.  Make the opening for his mouth by first painting a black outline around it.  Then once it’s dry, paint teeth on the top and bottom. Paint Chewbacca’s bandolier on the bottom.
6. Spray the carton with sealant.  Let dry.
7. Glue on googly eyes or  paint eyes on the top on each side of his nose.
8. Put birdseed into your bird house and place outside so your feathered friends can find their new deluxe Wookie home.

In honor of my Best Friend Heather’s birthday this week, I am going to make her feel like a celebrity and interview her.  (Plus, I don’t have enough money to get her a descent gift.). I have known Heather for about three years now and she is truly the best friend I have ever had.  She definitely deserves the super star treatment of being interviewed by me.

Me: Okay, so I’m going to start with the question that everyone wants to know.

Heather: Ok.

Me: How awesome is it being my best friend?

Heather: OH-MY-GOD!  It is absolutely amazing (in a sarcastic tone).

Me: What’s your funniest memory of us doing something together?

Heather: I think my funniest memories are of you every time you scream during a scary movie.  Even when you’re at the movie theater.  It’s absolutely hysterical!

Me: It doesn’t help when you keep trying to scare me and make me jump.

Heather: That’s the funniest part.

Me: My favorite was our Kris Kross Just Dance performance where we put our clothes on background and Daddy Mac will make ya

Together:  Jump! Jump!

Me: Ok, in all seriousness though, who’s really better at Cards Against Humanity, me or you?

Heather: I’m better at playing certain funny cards but your better at matching up cards that make sense.

Me: That was a very PC answer of you.  Just be honest!

Heather: Okay, then me.  (Take this answer with a grain of salt.  Heather can be a bit delusional at times.)

Me: In your opinion, what makes a best friend?

Heather: Someone’s who loyal, trustworthy, closed-mouthed, fun, available, and consistent.

Me: What a cowencdence!  I have all of those qualities!  Actually, I thought it was being able to borrow money from each other.

Heather: Well, that’s good too.

Me: Why do you always insist of secretly videoing me when I’m doing something extra goofy like playing patty cake with some random dude at a Reggae festival, or curb dancing in front of a Taco Cabana?

Heather: Even better is the one where you told a story about your dog getting a boner.  

Me: Oh crap, I forgot about that one.

Heather: That one was definitely the best.  I video you because I want to be able to cherish these moments so that when I get old, I can look back on them and say, “Whose that chic?  She’s funny!”

Me:  Music is a big part of your life, especially reggae music.  What song most reminds you of our friendship?

Heather:  Really it’s almost any 90’s song.  I mean Kris Kross will always have a special place in my heart, but at this point it’s (she starts singing) Too legit!  Too legit to quit!  We could always break out into some Fresh Prince of Bellaire.  That reminds me of something we could totally get down to.

Me:  That would be awesome!  I can totally do the Carlton dance.

Heather:  Of course you can! 

Me: If you could go on vacation anywhere in the world, where would you go and who would you take with you?

Heather: I really wanna go to Bora Bora and Dubai .  Who would I take?  Really anybody who could afford a trip like that.  I mean, I would love to have my closest friends there, but trips like that are expensive and not everyone can afford them so I would really just settle on any warm body.

Me: Um, you were supposed to say me.

Heather:  Better start saving then!

Me: How do you feel about Pedro calling you Aunt Heather?

Heather: How does that translate in bark?

Me: Ruff?  I don’t know.

Heather: (Laughs). I suppose it’s okay.

Me: Will you be his God Dog Mother?

Heather: Yes.  How long is he going to live?

Me: Hopefully, at least five more years.

Heather:  That’s not a very big commitment.  I can do that.

Me: If I never get married, can I come live with you and your family when I get old so that I don’t have to go to a nursing home?

Heather: Yes.  We’re going to have an amazing outhouse.  You can stay there with my mom.

Me: You’re already kicking me out of the house?  That’s not a very good sign.  Will I be able to have gentlemen friends over?  

Heather: Yeah, but they gotta use the back door.

Me: Good, because I plan to press my Life Alert button everyday to see which hot firefighter shows up.  One last question, who’s your favorite Ukulele player?

Heather: Why you, of course!  I mean, I only know one Ukulele player, but you’re definitely the best!

Me:  Well, I hope you have the best birthday ever!  You definitely deserve it, and I can’t wait until next year to celebrate your birthday again, so don’t get hit by a bus or anything in the meantime.

Heather: No promises.

I’m sure it’s obvious by now why Heather truly is my best friend.  She’s lucky to have me…I mean, I’m lucky to have her.  Either way, she will always be my BFF 4 Ever! 

I hate crowded elevators.  Like, I hate them so bad, that if there is more than 3 people already on the elevator, I’m taking the stairs, and I work on the 10^th floor.  I need my 36 inches of personal space at all times.  It’s not that I’m worried that I stink or anything, I just don’t like breathing in air that someone else just exhaled.  Plus, I don’t like feeling like a sardine when I ride an elevator.  I don’t like being forced to touch people I don’t know.  Somebody should totally make a rule that no more than 4 people are allowed on the elevator at any given time.

The same thing goes for over-huggers.  You know the type.  Not only do they embrace you way too tight, but they hug for way too long also.  I used to know this girl that insisted on hugging me every time I ran into her.  She would hug me so tight and so long that I couldn’t breathe and felt like I might pass out.  I would tell her, “That’s good.”  But she would still hold on.  “Alright, that’s enough.”  Still embracing me super tight.  “Okay, that’s enough.  Too much really.”  Then she would finally let go.  It got so bad I started hiding behind stuff anytime I was near her just to avoid her hugs.  I tried offering a hand shake once, but she just grabbed me into a big bear hug anyway.

People like this need to learn that their behavior is unacceptable.  Therefore, I propose that when someone hugs you too tight, you get to thump them on their temple.  Have you ever had this happen to you before?  It’s excruciating pain that makes it feel like your eyeball  is about to pop out of your head.  I happen to know because my Dad used to do this to me when I fell asleep in church.  Well, thanks for that Dad!  You gave the best tool ever to deal with over-huggers.  And you were right when you said one day I’ll thank you for this.  I always thought you meant I would thank you for the religious education I got by paying attention in church.  Now I know what you really meant.  Love you Dad!

 

I read a descent number of self-help books.  I constantly strive to become a better person and less of an asshole.  The last self-help book I read has been one of the most interesting and beneficial ones I’ve read to date.  It’s called, “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck: A Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life” by Mark Manson.

In this book, Mark explains they we have a limited number of F*cks to give and we choose what to give a F*ck about.  He tells you how to be okay with being different, what is reasonable to expect out of life, and how to live happily in reality.  His book also shows you how negative experiences are really a positive thing and how the values we choose shape a perception of the world.

I learned a lot from this book and I recommend it for anyone who feels slighted by the world.  It’s not one of those feel good, you are awesome, psychology books.  It’s more of a face the music, reality check book, but in an extremely helpful way.  Mark is a pretty funny guy too and the way he writes is not only interesting but entertaining as well.  And he curses a lot which I can totally relate to.  

Check this book out and let me know what you think.  If you don’t like it, nobody is going to give you your money back, but you can always sell it at a used book store or something.  It will be eye opening if nothing else.  Mark Manson also has another book coming out in  May called, “Everything is F*cked: A Book about Hope”.

I try to be a good person.  I really do.  It’s not always easy in today’s society, but I still try.  I’ve learned recently, however, that being a people pleaser can be really unhealthy.  We all need boundaries or people will walk all over us.  Then we end up resentful and angry, because the person we were trying to help doesn’t even appreciate what we did for them.  In the psychology world, this is a prime example of co-dependency.

I am regularly a pretty passive person.  I don’t enjoy conflict but I know sometimes it is necessary.  I have to get pretty upset before I confront someone, but I do it when needed.  I don’t call people out on their sh*t unless it’s causing a problem that’s affecting me, but just because I don’t call them out on their sh*t doesn’t mean I don’t smell it.  (I’m having to use * in my curse words so that Facebook will leave me alone about my posts.)

I try to communicate effectively.  I say what I mean and mean what I say.  I don’t want to be the type of person that tries to manipulate people through their words or feels the need to say things that are passive aggressive.  I’m not saying that I don’t fall into the trap of doing this sometimes, but I try to be aware of it to prevent myself from acting that way.

So what does a person who attempts to do these things get for a reward?  “Nothing!”, you say.  Not true.  You get the coolest T-shirt I have every seen! (You have to pay for it yourself though.  This blog doesn’t pull in any money and I’m a little broke.).  I saw this T-shirt and felt like it was made just for me.  It says, “I’m mostly peace, love, and light and a Little Go F*ck Yourself.”  This is the kind of attitude I have these days and it’s been working pretty well for me.  If you feel like this shirt is a good description of you too, you can find it on Amazon.  If you don’t like it, go f*ck yourself!

https://www.amazon.com/s?k=i%27m+mostly+peace+love+and+light+%26+a+little+go+f+yourself+t-shirt&i=fashion&crid=3SVHZ0PZIETAY&sprefix=I%27m+a+little+love%2Cfashion%2C200&ref=nb_sb_ss_i_1_17

Here’s an awesome You Tube video I found that combines two of my favorite things,  Star Wars and Ukulele music.  They’re playing the main theme of Star Wars which plays during the screen crawl at the beginning of the movies.  Just hearing this music always puts me in the mood to watch some Star Wars.  Okay, I’ll stop geeking out on you.

Ukulele Force Video

I actually found a Ukulele song book for Star Wars music, and I’m determined to learn how to play something in that book.   I’ll be sure to post a video when I do.  (It may be awhile so I wouldn’t hold your breath.  I’m not the most talented Ukulele player and I would probably ride the Ukulele short bus if there were one.). Anyways, may the Ukulele Force be with you!