Personal Space Invaders

I hate crowded elevators.  Like, I hate them so bad, that if there is more than 3 people already on the elevator, I’m taking the stairs, and I work on the 10^th floor.  I need my 36 inches of personal space at all times.  It’s not that I’m worried that I stink or anything, I just don’t like breathing in air that someone else just exhaled.  Plus, I don’t like feeling like a sardine when I ride an elevator.  I don’t like being forced to touch people I don’t know.  Somebody should totally make a rule that no more than 4 people are allowed on the elevator at any given time.

The same thing goes for over-huggers.  You know the type.  Not only do they embrace you way too tight, but they hug for way too long also.  I used to know this girl that insisted on hugging me every time I ran into her.  She would hug me so tight and so long that I couldn’t breathe and felt like I might pass out.  I would tell her, “That’s good.”  But she would still hold on.  “Alright, that’s enough.”  Still embracing me super tight.  “Okay, that’s enough.  Too much really.”  Then she would finally let go.  It got so bad I started hiding behind stuff anytime I was near her just to avoid her hugs.  I tried offering a hand shake once, but she just grabbed me into a big bear hug anyway.

People like this need to learn that their behavior is unacceptable.  Therefore, I propose that when someone hugs you too tight, you get to thump them on their temple.  Have you ever had this happen to you before?  It’s excruciating pain that makes it feel like your eyeball  is about to pop out of your head.  I happen to know because my Dad used to do this to me when I fell asleep in church.  Well, thanks for that Dad!  You gave the best tool ever to deal with over-huggers.  And you were right when you said one day I’ll thank you for this.  I always thought you meant I would thank you for the religious education I got by paying attention in church.  Now I know what you really meant.  Love you Dad!