Author: Stephanie Walters

In the spirit of my post earlier this week about the douche bag who ghosted me, I decided to write a Star Wars rejection poem.  It may sound like I’m a bit bitter, but I’m not (okay, maybe a little bit).  Anyways, this poem was written to symbolize all the jerks who are too wimpy to make that call and just ghost a girl instead.  I hope this makes any girl smile who has been left hanging with no apparent reason why the guy stopped calling.  And I hope this is a lesson to guys to stop doing this, or this poem may end up on your Facebook page.  Just kidding…..not really.

Star Wars Loser

You’re hairier than a Wookie,

With weird facial hair too,

Breath worse than Yoda,

All of these describe you!

You said your light saber needed two hands,

If you know what I mean,

Somehow I doubt that,

Based on what I’ve seen.

You’re not smart or wise like Yoda,

You’re not brave like Obi Wan at all,

You’re really just a big coward,

Who’s not man enough to call.

I can’t make you like me,

The way Leia liked Han,

I really don’t care anymore,

I need a real man.

Last week, I told you I had a date with a really wonderful guy and then we had another really great date!  I was on cloud nine…..until he ghosted me.  Jerk!  I still can’t figure out what went wrong.  I didn’t wear my Princess Leia dress on our date.  I didn’t tell him the story about how I took my dog to the emergency vet hospital one time for having a boner that lasted several hours.  I didn’t talk about how I turned my college boyfriend gay and start crying or anything.  And I made sure not to show him the Voodoo doll I made for him just in case things went wrong.  I have no idea what the problem was!  (I’m really glad I made the Voodoo doll though.)  I tried really hard not to repeat past mistakes!

The thing that makes me most mad, is that I spent a whole day cleaning my house for him so that he wouldn’t know what a slob I really am!  I don’t do that for many people (just ask my friends).

He passed Stephanie’s datability test with flying colors. He had a place to live, he had a job, he had his own mode of transportation, he wasn’t already married to anyone else, he was positive he wasn’t gay, he had legal residency in the United States so I knew he wasn’t just looking for a green card, and he wasn’t a suspected serial killer.  Plus, he didn’t look like a hobbit, I didn’t meet him at a mental hospital, and it didn’t seem like he was just trying to get into my pants like a lot of the guys I’ve dated before.  He met all of my standards!  (Maybe I need to up my standards, I don’t know.)

The bottom line is that the guy turned out to be a total douche bag and I’m glad I didn’t waste any more time on him.  Next?

TO SLEEP

(A sonnet by William Wordsworth’s dog)

A flock of sheep that leisurely pass by,

One after one; the sound of music, and rain

All of these are soothing ways to gain,

A moment of relaxing slumber under the night sky;

I, however, need none of these things to snooze

For I am a dog who possess the basic canine skill,

Of being able to lounge around and sleep at will;

Regardless of the time and place, I will not lose,

A single moment of my precious nap

Whether in a bed, on a couch, or under a tree,

And especially in my favorite spot…..your lap,

I can reach doggie dreamland with ease;

Where there are endless belly rubs and head pats,

And absolutely no existence of pesky fleas.

I’m pretty sure my dog has narcolepsy.  He sleeps like 25 hours a day, which seems impossible since there are only 24 hours in a day, but somehow he has managed to find a way.  He’s getting old, so the only things he really likes doing besides napping is eating and going for a walk.  He does still play with toys some, but he usually falls asleep with them in his mouth.

Not to mention that he can make a bed out of anything.  Just this week alone, he has figured out how to make a bed out of a blanket on the floor, laying on the weeds in my flower garden (had I known how much weeding a flower garden required I probably would not have planted one – mainly because I’m lazy), sleeping while resting his head on the garbage can, and knocking off a pillow on my bed onto the floor so he could lay on it.

I like old dogs though.  This type of behavior is much more conducive to my lifestyle, which also involves a lot of napping.  I would love to write more, but I have to put my dog Pedro down for a nap.  Enjoy your next snooze!

“Life is like walking a dog.  Sometimes you’re the dog, sometimes you’re the fire hydrant.”

—Stephanie Walters

This week, I definitely started off as the fire hydrant.  Work was extra stressful, my check engine light came on, I got an EZ tag toll violation in the mail, my dog puked on my rug, and my laptop crashed.  At first, all I was thinking was what else go wrong?

I was determined to keep a positive attitude though and thought that after all of that, things had to start looking up.  It couldn’t get much worse, right?

By the end of the week, I was definitely the dog!  That positive attitude turned out to really work!  My check engine light went off, I found $20 on the ground, I went on date with a really great guy, I had two great hair days in a row, and my dog died so I never have to worry about throw up on the rug again.  I’M JUST KIDDING ABOUT THE LAST ONE!  THAT WOULD BE DEVASTATING!  Anyone who knows me knows I love my dog the most out of everyone on the planet (even my parents and they gave me life – sorry mom and dad!).

Anyways, the moral of the story is to always keep a positive attitude.  You may never know what is coming right after you walk past the fire hydrant.  There maybe something really great on the horizon.  The end.

So this poem is a Stephanie original!  Of course it’s about Star Wars.  It’s the perfect poem to send to a geeky significant other, so feel free to steal it.  Love stories are popular in Star Wars (Leia and Han, Padme and Annakin) and I hope I have captured that essence (in a dirty sort of way).  If not, I hope it’s a least a little funny.  In true romantic Shakespearean spirit, this poem is a sonnet.  If you don’t know what a sonnet is, google it.  Enjoy!

May the “Force” Be With Us

Whenever you smile

I get hot for a while,

I feel frozen in carbonite

Will I see you tonight?

Obi-Wan taught you nice

How to use your light saber twice,

May the force be in the room

But hopefully not too soon.

Jump me into hyperspace

When I kiss your luscious…face,

I can wear a gold bikini for you

Love me, is all you have to do.

My heart often skips a beat

Because you’re Jedi tricks are neat.

Mornings blow for me!  I hate getting up early for work (actually I just hate working period).  Anyways, I think alarm clocks should be illegal.  It never fails, I’m having the best dream when the damn thing goes off.  Unfortunately, it doesn’t completely wake me up (all 4 alarms) and I end up incorporating it into my dreams.  Once I actually wake up, I’m kinda pissy from the annoying alarm in my dream.

To make matters worse, my dog Pedro (who is the best snuggler ever – even when I have a boyfriend) always curls up right next to me right before the alarm goes off.  This makes it about 52 times more difficult to force myself out of my bed.  This is actually one of the reasons though why I always adopt senior dogs.  They like to lie around and sleep a lot which is more conducive to my lifestyle.  Anyways, that’s a side note.

The solution I have for all of this nonsense is simple.  Let people sleep in until they naturally wake up in the morning.  Once they’ve had their coffee, then they can start working.  As long as they put in at least 5 hours of work every day, they should get their full pay.  Why 5 you ask?  Because that’s about the number of hours of work I usually do in an 8 hour work day.  Once my brain goes on strike in the afternoon, I’m not getting a whole lot done.  It’s not my fault though (even though I am lazy and probably a bad employee). My boss makes me think way to hard.  Nobody should have to think that hard ever.  So if you think about it, I actually work very hard every day, at least for 5 hours.  I should get employee of the month!

I’m so happy to be blogging again!  I took a hiatus to finish my book but I’m back!  I’m going to change it up a bit though.  My posts will now will be mostly about analyzing awesome quotes and original poems.  Sounds totally geeky, I know.  But I promise it will be funny (at least to me).  You can find my posts on this website or on Facebook.  Feel free to comment on any of my posts.  I would love to know what you think! And don’t forget to officially sign up for my blog either on my website or Facebook so that I can brag to my friends about how many followers I have.  Get ready! Here we go!

For those I haven’t told yet, I’m writing a book! It’s an anti-dating book of Star Wars themed social experiments to get rid of a guy that just can’t take a hint. To make my experiments seem somewhat scientific, I have created a survey to understand a male’s perspective on this topic. The only way for this survey to help me with my book is for you guys to take it so I NEED YOUR HELP ( yes I’m talking to you).

Please, please, please (I’m not above begging), click on the link below to take my Star Wars Dealbreaker Survey. It’s completely anonymous and it only takes like 5 minutes at the most. Men only please. I’m trying to determine how men think. Oh, and guys, please only take the survey once.

There’s no prize for taking the survey (mainly because I’m broke), but you’ll get that warm fuzzy feeling just knowing that you helped me out. If you don’t, it’s probably because you have no soul.

Anyways, thank you in advance for taking my survey. If my book actually ever gets published, I’ll autograph the copy you buy for FREE!

Star Wars Dealbreaker Survey

I love the show Cops!  Anytime I’m feeling down about myself, I watch the people who are getting arrested on cops and I instantly feel better about myself.  Of course, I managed to find a Star Wars version of cops and it is absolutely hysterical!

My favorite part is the scene with Aunt Beru who called the storm troopers for domestic violence with Uncle Owen.  The commentary between the storm troopers is awesome too!  This video is a little on the long side (about 10 minutes), but it’s definitely worth a watch so give it a try.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3zYOw7v6TFE&t=308s

So I’ve been working really hard to lose some weight.  I’m at the gym 5-6 times a week and I’m eating only unprocessed foods.  Plus, I’m drinking a crap ton of water, which has not been easy for me.  I’ve gone from drinking no water everyday to only drinking water, and I don’t even like water.  It doesn’t have any flavor!

Anyway, I was feeling pretty good about myself this morning until some inconsiderate asshole brought donuts into the office for everyone.  This was a problem you see because I happen to actually be a donut connoisseur.  I love donuts, and I’m not even a cop!  The jelly filled donuts, blueberry donut holes, Boston creme pie donuts, and red velvet cake donuts at Dunkin’ Donuts are always absolutely amazing.  I do happen to have two favorite kinds of donuts though, warm and cold.  So forcing myself to not eat one is almost impossible.  It’s like telling an alcoholic not to drink beer.

So back to my story, this rude person had the nerve to bring donuts into the office.  She even had the audacity to come into my office with a box of donuts and ask me if I wanted one!  But, the big question is… Did I eat one?  No, I did not.  I had to lock myself in my office all day so I didn’t smell their yumminess and they were out of sight, but I made it through the day with eating a damn donut.  I still think the person who brought them in is a selfish jerk.  Would it kill her to think about someone other than herself for once?  Geez!