Crackhead Fred (True Story!)

I once ended up in a mental hospital for a couple of weeks.  The story behind me getting committed to a mental hospital is actually kind of funny, but I’ll save that story for another time.  It was at that hospital that I met Fred.  Fred was an elderly gentlemen who seemed pretty friendly and harmless to me.  Everyone called him Crackhead Fred which I didn’t understand at first, until I actually spoke with him. 

It turns out that Fred was homeless, living on the streets of downtown Houston until he was brought to the nut ward.  I’ve also had a fascination with homeless people.  I’ve always wanted to hear their life stories that resulted in them ending up homeless.  So I decided to take this opportunity to interview Fred.  I asked Fred if it would be okay to ask him a few questions about himself and he seemed pretty excited that someone was interested in hearing his story.

Me: So Fred, what brings you to the funny farm?

Fred: My damn boss.  He got mad at me for doing something I wasn’t suppose to be doing at work and so he sent me here.

Me:  Wow, that sucks.

Fred: Yeah it does, I need to get back to work!

Me: Where do you work?

Fred: NASA

Me: You work at NASA?

Fred: Yes ma’am!  I’ve been working there for fifty-two years now. 

Me:  Whoa!  What do you do at NASA?

Fred:  I’m an astronaut!

Me:  You’re an astronaut?

Fred: Yep!

Me: What did you do at work that was bad enough to land you here?

Fred: Well, you see, I was suppose to fly to Jupiter and do some scientific experiments there, but Jupiter was boring!  So I flew out to Pluto and just started flying circles around that tiny little planet.  It was so much fun!  But I stayed too long and when I get back to earth, NASA sent me here as my punishment.  But I gots to go!  I have more missions to complete!  NASA needs me!

Me: Why don’t you just call your boss and ask him to come get you then?

Fred:  They won’t let me use the phone here.  I keep telling them to call NASA and ask about me.  They’ll tell him that I’m a real astronaut!

Me: Maybe I could call for you.  I’m allowed to use the phone.  What’s the number?

Fred: Just call the main number to NASA.  They all know me there.  If you can get me outta here, I’ll take you for a ride in my rocket ship.  I just need to get back into outer space!

It was at this point the orderly came to take us to the cafeteria.  I was actually pretty relieved.  My conversation with Fred went from a little weird but funny, to down right insane.  And I was upset earlier in the day because they took away my shoelaces when I got admitted.  That seemed like a pretty high class problem now.

Fred became my favorite person to talk to though.  He was the most interesting mentally ill person I have ever met.  It turns out that Fred is the recarinated baby Jesus, he used to be the president for Microsoft until he got bored and gave the company to Bill Gates to watch over for him, he met Hitler once, and he had a mansion in downtown Houston that he lived in.  (Hey, mansion/cardboard box, same difference.).  I was ready to get out of that loony bin when the day finally came, but I was also a little sad because I was going to miss Fred’s crazy adventure stories.  I mean, it’s not everyday you get to hang out with a real live astronaut!