Author: Stephanie Walters

So ho ho ho day is coming up.  I’m not talking about Halloween when it’s okay to dress like a total slut without being one.  I’m talking about Christmas.  And since Christmas is right around the corner, who better to interview than Santa himself!  It was hard to catch up with him this time of year but I managed to grab a few minutes with him.

Me: Oh my God, Santa Clause!  I can’t believe I’m getting to meet you!

Santa Clause:  Ho! Ho! Ho! Merry Christmas!

Me: So it’s true!  You really do exist!

Santa Clause: Of course I exist young lady.

Me: Then why haven’t you brought me any presents for over thirty years?

Santa: Have you been naughty this year?

Me: No, but I can be if Mrs. Clause doesn’t mind and it will get me presents. [laughs]

Santa: Oh wow!  What would you like for Christmas?

Me: Um, I really want this super expensive dress at Macy’s and definitely some new shoes that match!

Santa: Okay, then.  Smile for the camera!

Me: You brought a photographer to this interview?  That’s so awesome.  Can I get a copy of the picture for my blog?

Santa:  You can for $25.  Ho! Ho! Ho!

Me: What?

Santa: Look lady, I don’t know what you deal is, but you have to get off my lap now.  There’s a ton of kids waiting and the department store pays me based on the number of pictures I sell.  Merry Christmas!

Me: You mean you’re not the real Santa?

Santa: Of course not.  I retired from my crappy job too soon and now I need more money.  This was the only gig I could get at my age.

I felt heart broken as I walked away.  I so thought I was interviewing the real deal.  Oh well.  At least I got a free candy cane and an overpriced picture out of the interview.

I have never felt so lucky to be unwed as I was checking out the profiles on this site.

I was at dinner with one of my older nieces this past weekend and we were talking about husbands, or the lack of one in my case.  I was looking around the restaurant when I told her I was husband shopping.  She told me I should get a mail order husband from Russia or something.  I wondered if they had anything like that, so we pulled out our phones and began looking for mail-order husband websites.  We found exactly one.  The selection of men available on this site was pretty pathetic.  My favorite one was the guy who would only be bought by a woman named “Julie” so it would match the tattoo that he already has.  Nooooo thanks.  Guys, if you’re ever having a bad self-esteem day, just go to this site http://www.mailorderhusbands.net/order/.  It will definitely make you feel better about yourself.  I have never felt so lucky to be unwed as I was checking out the profiles on this site.  It definitely puts things into perspective.  The thing that angers me is that this is all we get to choose from!  There are dozens of mail order wife sites with beautiful, exotic women you can purchase and try to force yourself to love.  That is so sexist!  I want equality!  I want a good-looking, European model guy that likes to cook and clean and demands that he gets to give me a massage every night.  Is that too much to ask for?

In case you have missed all of the numerous times I have told you I play the Ukulele (You’re not a very good listener, are you?), I play the ukulele.  I’m always looking for new songs to learn how to play, and as I was searching Amazon.com for new songbooks, I came across this one.  It’s Nirvana songs for the Uke and since I’m a huge Nirvana fan, I couldn’t resist getting it.  My ukulele instructor is teaching how to play All Apologies on the Uke right now and it is so freakin’ awesome!  I can’t wait to learn how to play other Nirvana Songs.  This book has all of the classic Nirvana songs (Smells Like Teen Spirit, Lithium, About a Girl, etc.), plus some of their more rare stuff like The Man Who Sold the World and Lake of Fire.  If you play the ukulele, you have to try out this book.  If you don’t play the ukulele, you should learn how to so that you can try out this book.  It’s that awesome!

Back in November, I wrote a post about how I missed my sister Lisa’s birthday.  Apparently, I didn’t want my other sister to miss out because I forgot her birthday too.  Sorry Amy!  Happy belated birthday!  If you think about it though, I’m not a total jerk.  I’m sure you got lots of cards and balloons and stuff on your actual birthday.  But what about the next day?  Or the day after that when the balloons had withered and the cake had crumbled.  Who was thinking of you then?  Who was looking out for you once the birthday spotlight was gone?  I was, that’s who. Me.  So you see, I’m not really late, I’m just sensitive and thoughtful.

By now, you should realize that I can mix Star Wars with anything.  Today, I will be talking about ancestry, but not about my own family.  I will be discussing the heritage of the Skywalker family.  For those of you who haven’t watched the movies enough times (you should do something about that), it may be a little confusing on how the characters are related throughout the nine movies.  I found this family tree online and I thought it was very interesting.  It shows all of the relationships between the main Star Wars characters, which main help with understanding the vast plot throughout Star Wars a little better.  Here’s a little homework assignment for this week.  Study this family tree, go watch some Star Wars, and let me know if this helped.  If you’re still confused after all of that, you probably just have a brain tumor or something and should go see a doctor.

Star Wars Family Tree

Well, for starters, you are a bit stringy on the treats.

For this week’s interview, I interviewed the infamous Pedro (my ten-year-old Chihuhua).  I figured I would already know what Pedro thinks since we live together and he is my dog, but there were a few surprises to me in the interview.  Note: The translations from “Woof” to English might be a little off, but you’ll get the gist of it.

Me: So what’s it like being my dog?

Pedro: It’s okay, I guess.  I mean, it beats being in the shelter, but there are a few things you could do better at.

Me: Oh yeah?  Like what?

Pedro: Well, for starters, you are a bit stringy on the treats.

Me: That’s to prevent you from being overweight and getting heart disease.  I want you to be happy and healthy for as long as possible.

Pedro:  Well, I don’t think one extra meaty treat a day is going to hurt.

Me: Note taken.  Is that all I do that bothers you?

Pedro: No.  I don’t like it when you eat your dinner in front of me and don’t share.  It’s just rude!

Me: Table scraps aren’t good for you Pedro.

Pedro:  So you say.  But if they’re so unhealthy, why are you eating them?

Me: Touche.  Is there anything else I do that annoys you?

Pedro: You could stop putting goofy costumes on me for Halloween.  I mean, this year you dressed me as a Piñata.  Really?

Me:  But you looked so adorable!

Pedro: I looked retarded!  Do you have any idea how afraid of sticks I was on Halloween?

Me:  Sorry!  (sarcastically)   Is there anything I do that you like?

Pedro: Why yes.  Lots of things.  I like it that you let me sleep in your bed at night, under the covers, right up next to you.  It’s nice and cozy.

Me: I like that too.  So tell me, what do you really do all day while I’m a work?

Pedro: What do you think, that I invite my doggy friends over and we have a party?  Please.  I sleep all day.  I’m old, remember?

Me: I figured that much.  It would be nice, however, if you contributed to the household in some way.  I mean you don’t work or bring any money into the house.  You just lay around, eat the expensive food I buy you, and play with one of your many toys.  You could at least pick-up a Taco Bell commercial or something, just to help out financially.  Your stuff isn’t cheap you know.

Pedro: I would happily do that, except that I’m too old and retired.  These are my golden years.  They’re supposed to be the best years of my life!  I shouldn’t have to be worried about working.

Me: I think I’ve spoiled you a little too much.  You’re acting very self-entitled.

Pedro: If it makes you feel any better, the best day of my life was the day you walked into the animal shelter and picked me.  I love being your dog!

Me: Awe!  I love being your dog mom!

Pedro:  Cool.  So, can I have a treat now?

Now I know what Pedro actually thinks.  He is a very special dog and I’m very lucky to have found him.  Good to know that he feels the same way (that I am lucky to have him).

Alright kids, it’s been like 45 whole minutes since your moms left and Aunt Steph needs a break.

One Saturday, both of my sisters asked me to babysit their kids.  My oldest sister has four girls, and my other sister has a boy and a girl.  That’s six kids, which meant I was largely outnumbered to start with.  Don’t get me wrong, I love all of my nieces and nephew and I enjoy spending time with them…..one at a time.  Six is a bit much to handle.  The kids were driving me bazerk with all of the running around and yelling they were doing and I new I couldn’t take much more of it.  So I sent them outside to play, telling them, “Alright kids, it’s been like 45 whole minutes since your moms left and Aunt Steph needs a break.  So go play in the backyard for a little while and don’t come back in until I come get you.  You might want to take a Kool-aid with you because you’re probably going to be out there for awhile and it’s pretty hot out today.”  As soon as the house was quiet, I laid on the couch and turned on the TV.  I don’t remember what show I was watching, but it must have been really good because I totally forgot I was baby-sitting six kids, until one of my older nieces started knocking on the window to see if they could come back in.  I jumped up and ran to the door to let them in.  They were all exhausted from playing out side for so long that all they wanted to do was sit in the living room and watch TV, which was completely fine with me.  My sisters arrived a little while later and told me how impressed they were they the kids were being so calm and well-behaved for me.  I just smiled and quickly made my exit before the kids had the chance to tell them what really happened.  I’m not sure what they told them, but I have never been asked to babysit all six kids at one time since then, so apparently I did something right.

It’s hard to be pissed off at other cars when you’re laughing in your own.

I recently downloaded and listened to comedian Ted Alexandro’s newest album, Senior Class of Earth.  My favorite part is when Ted compares a man’s inability to perform in bed to Shaquille O’Neal.  And his take on the last presidential election is absolutely hysterical.  I often listen to comedy albums while I’m sitting in traffic, because it seriously helps me with my road rage.  It’s hard to be pissed off at other cars when you’re laughing in your own.  So do yourself a favor, and all of the other cars on the road a favor, and check out this album.  I guarantee you will laugh, and if you don’t, Ted (not me) will promptly refund your money (or at least he should).

Buy Ted’s New Album here

Dating Matrix for Men

Crazy + Stupid & Emotionally Unavailable = Jail time (for one of you at least).

I came across this video on YouTube.  Apparently, it’s teaching men how to pick a wife using a matrix.  Basically, it shows a man how to balance a woman’s appearance with how crazy she is in order to select a wife.  What I want to know is what’s wrong with a not-so-hot crazy girl?  We can be a lot of fun, or at least interesting to be around.  Things are bound to end in disaster, but it will leave you with a great story to tell your friends.  Anyways, I figured there must be an equivalent video for women because we need some advice too.  I actually found two videos (probably because women develop faster intellectually than men) that describe similar matrices.  One compares hotness with stupidity.  The other one compares hotness with being emotionally unavailable.  Both offer solid advice.  Although, I want to caution you.  If you’re in the “no zone”, don’t date a guy in the “no zone”.  Crazy + Stupid & Emotionally Unavailable = Jail time (for one of you at least).  So be sure to check out these videos sooner rather than later.  It could avoid a lot of heartache and possibly wearing an orange jumpsuit.

Dating Advice for Women Dating Stupid Men

Dating Advice for Women Dating   Emotionally Unavailable Men

I use to be an accountant, until I realized how super boring it is, so I do something else now.  I’m still in the business field though, and rather I like it or not, I have to use a lot of flowcharts still.  I have found, however, that if you mix something boring with Star Wars, it suddenly becomes very awesome.  I found these flowcharts online and just had to share them with you.  Not only are they funny, but they are also handy little tools to help you navigate the world of Star Wars, which I know is everyone’s deepest desire.  The first flowchart I found helps you figure out which Star Wars droid is a good pick for you.  I got R5D4 because apparently I buy cheap stuff (my bank account disagrees.)  The second flowchart tells you which occupation in Star Wars you would be best suited for.  I should have gone to college to be an Ewok Chief.  The third flowchart tells you which Star Wars character you resemble most.  I matched up to Princess Leia which made me quite happy.  And the fourth flowchart is for all of the up and coming Star Wars fans who doesn’t understand the order of the Star Wars films and can’t figure out which one they are watching.  (I don’t need this flowchart because I’ve seen ALL of the movies a hundred times.  I’ve included links to the flowcharts in case you need a bigger view.   Take a minute to go through these flowcharts and comment on what you got.

https://www.lucidchart.com/pages/flowcharts/which-star-wars-droid-are-you-looking-for

https://visual.ly/community/infographic/entertainment/star-wars-occupation-flow-chart

http://www.omaha-advertising.com/design-taxi-which-star-wars-character-are-you-according-to-your-work-personality/

http://everybodysucksbutus.com/the-star-wars-flow-chart/