Author: Stephanie Walters

Here’s my latest crochet masterpiece.  It was supposed to be a beanie like this: 

I’m not sure what went wrong, but a golfer from the 50s would think this hat is awesome!  I followed the instructions, I swear.  At least I thought I was following the instructions, but this is how it came out!

At least it fits on my head this time I guess.  I will say making it was a great stress reliever.  It was fun even though it didn’t exactly turn out the way it was supposed to.  I actually find it quite stylish.  Maybe I’ve just created a new trend.  Maybe everyone is going to want to wear one.  I could become rich off this piece of crap!

That settles it.  I’m taking orders.  If you want one of these amazing hats, leave the colors you want in the comments below and I will put your hat on the list of hats to make.  And for the very low price of $49.99, you can have a one-of-a-kind Stephanie original!  You can’t beat that for a designer hat.  And for a limited time, I’m including free shipping!!!!  So order yours today!

I’ve realized recently that I’m no spring chicken anymore. It started last Friday night. I was bored so I decided to channel my inner grandma and learn how to crochet. A couple of hours later, I found myself crocheting while watching the game show network. Apparently, I am 65 years old on the inside.

It got me thinking and I started to see how I was turning into my parents when they were my age. Here are some things I have said recently:

1. “Today’s music sucks! Music in the 90s was way better than this!”
2. “That movie doesn’t start until 9 o’clock? That’s way too late for me!”
3. “Why do they have to make this print so small?”
4. “Why the hell do people find it necessary to drive down my street with their music blaring?”
5. “I’m so glad they put speed bumps on my street. People drive entirely too fast down it.”

Also, I basically live in a retire community. All of my neighbors are senior citizens, and I love it because old people are quiet!

Now that I think about it, I already act like a grandma in a lot of ways. I love to bake pies and cookies, sew quilts, and knit sweaters. Plus, an afternoon nap is a requirement for me. And I kind of talk like a grandma sometimes too, using words like “spring chicken”.

It didn’t help that my eyes started acting weird and I went to the eye doctor, nervously awaiting bad news that I had some sort of eye disorder. She walked into the room and said, “You need reading glasses. It’s normal at your age.”

I can’t ignore all of the evidence. I am getting older. But until someone puts me in a nursing home, I’m going to jam to my 90s music (at a reasonable volume of course) while driving slowly down my street to a matinee movie and pull out my reading glasses so I can use the ticket machine. So there!

No, I’m not talking about summertime in Texas. I’m talking about something so much better! My weight loss! I haven’t blogged in quite awhile but a lot has happened since I blogged last. One of the most exciting things is that I joined Weight Watchers and I have now lost 70 pounds! Crazy, I know! If anyone thought that was completely impossible, it was me! But I’m not writing today to brag about my accomplishment. I’m really writing today to talk about how much I suck at exercising.

Part of my weight loss journey has included starting to exercise. I don’t really like to exercise. I’d rather just starve myself. It’s way easier. But since I decided to get “healthy”, I realized this required me to become active. An activity I decided to try recently was a step aerobics class. I’ve never been good at sports or anything athletic, so I’m not sure why I thought it would be a good idea for me to sign up for a step aerobics class. But I did, and I soon discovered that my white girl rhythm, lack of coordination, and crappy balance (my Wii always told me I was unbalanced, the bastard was right) makes me suck really bad at step aerobics. Like really, really bad. Like, it there were step aerobics teams, I would get picked last…every…single…time. I can’t keep up with the instructor, I almost fall off the step at least 10 times per class, and I can’t make my body do the sequences she does (mainly because my memory sucks and I get my left and my right confused sometimes).

But you know what? I don’t care. I do it anyways. If I can’t keep up with the instructor, I just make up my own moves. I’m still moving and getting exercise which was the whole point in signing up for the class anyway. I make sure to stay in the back in the special aerobic ed section so I don’t mess anyone else up. And I could care less what anyone else in the class thinks of me. That’s a benefit you get by sucking at almost every group activity you have ever tried. The morale of this story is: don’t be afraid to suck at something. If you still enjoy doing it, do it no matter how crappy you are at it. Life is too short to miss out on things you really want to do, but don’t because you might make an ass of yourself.

Some of you may know that I have been trying to lose weight since January by exercising and eating healthy.  So far, I’ve lost 57 pounds!  Whoo-hoo!  Only 15 pounds to goal weight.  The whole healthy eating thing has gotten easier, but I still miss some of my favorite foods like corndogs, chicken nuggets, and peanut butter & jelly sandwiches (what can I say, I have the taste buds of a 5 year old).  But my all-time favorite thing to eat has been the hardest to go without.  Of course, it’s Little Debbie Snack Cakes.  So I wrote a poem about them to express my grief, hoping it will eleviate some of the pain.

Ode to Little Debbie Snack Cakes

Oh Little Debbie,

How I miss you so,

Not having thee in my life

Has caused me great woe.

Your cakes are so sweet

They make me salivate,

I could eat a whole box

But alas, it’s too late.

For thy cakey goodness

Has gone straight to my gut,

It’s made me grow exponentially

Especially in my butt.

So I must give you up now

As much as it pains me,

You’re not good for me at all

Oh, can’t you see?

Maybe I could have thou

Every once in awhile,

For a Swiss Cake Roll

Will always fit my style.

One of my favorite quotes that I made up is:

“Everyone is responsible for their own personal happiness.  Happiness is an inside job.”

There’s a lot of unhappy people in the world.  If you’re one of them and you’re waiting for someone to come along that will make you happy, then you’re going to be waiting for a long time, like probably forever.  That’s because no one can truly make you a happy person except for yourself.  Happiness is a state of mind created by taking action, actions that lead to you being happy.

But I’ll get off of my soap box now.  I will say I told you so when you finally realize that this is true though.  Because that’s the kind of friend that I am.  Anyways, wanna know what makes me truly happy?  Playing jokes on people.  It’s not mean if they think it’s funny too.  Here’s one of my recent ones.

I walk up to a random guy at the bar and introduce myself.  I talk to him for a few minutes, and then I say, “So this may sound a little bit weird, but here’s the deal.  I’m 40 years old and my baby making years are coming to an end and I want a kid.  You’re attractive and you seem rather intelligent.  I bet you have good sperm.  Would you be willing to make a donation?  No strings attached.  I won’t hit you up for child support or anything.  I don’t even need to know your last name.  I just want your sperm.  And you don’t have to have sex with me either.  I mean you can if you want, but if you’d rather produce the sample in the bathroom over there, that’s totally fine with me too.  So what do you say?”

As he’s looking at me like I’m totally insane, I add,”No pressure.  You can think about it for a few minutes if you want.  But in case you say yes, here’s a container for your deposit.”  Then I hand him a urine specimen cup that I stole from my gynecologist’s office.

The look on their faces is priceless!  I recently tried it out on my best friend’s finance too.  I told him that my best friend and I wanted our kids to be related.  I said no sex involved, I just wanted a sample.  My best friend played along perfectly too.  I thought he was going to pass out from the shock!  It was awesome!

Hey, don’t judge.  My trick is perfectly harmless.  I get a good laugh, they get their hopes up that they might get to have sex that night.  It’s a win-win situation for everyone!

I thought I would give something new a try.  I often hear odd or funny lyrics in songs when I’m listening to music.  I’m sure you have too.  These lyrics usually make me question, what in the hell was the songwriter thinking when he/she wrote these lyrics?  So I’m going to attempt to interpret some.  Let me know if you agree with my interpretation.  So here goes…

Pork And Beans

Weezer – Pork and Beans

This is my absolute favorite Weezer song!  It’s actually probably in my list of top 20 all-time favorite songs.  I love what it’s stands for and the lyrics are awesome!  There’s one lyric though that has caused me to ponder a bit.

“They say I need some Rogaine to put in my hair

Working out at the gym to fit my underwear

Oakley makes the shades that transform a tool

You’d hate for the kids to think that you lost your cool”

The line that especially caught my ear was “Working out at the gym to fit my underwear”.  What kind of exercises is this guy doing?  And why doesn’t he just buy underwear that already fits?  If I buy smaller underwear, will these exercises help me to fit into them?  Do they work for both men and women?  I mean, which part of the male anatomy is growing or shrinking?  Do I have that part?  So many questions!

I may be over interpreting it a little bit but I think this guy is on to something.  Underwear exercises sound like a great idea!  Who doesn’t want to work on that area of their body?  I don’t think this lyric is just plain silliness at all.   I mean the rest of the verse is true.  Men do use Rogaine to fight baldness.  Guys that wear Oakleys usually are a tool.  And nobody wants to be viewed as being too old to be cool anymore.  Hmm, maybe I should verify this with a personal trainer.  I could say, “Excuse me Mr. Personal Trainer.  Can you show me how to do some underwear exercises?”  Yeah, I’m definitely going to give that try.  I’ll keep you posted!

I was inspired to write this poem after sitting outside in the hotter-than-hell heat yesterday.  I’m sure you will relate.

Ode to Texas Heat

I feel the warm sun,

Upon my sweaty face,

My makeup is sure to run,

In this overheated place.

I’m proud to be a Texan,

But in the summer time,

Even though I have a tan,

This heat should be a crime.

Impossible to cool off,

No matter what you do,

Many people will scoff,

If you take your clothes off too.

You have probably hear this phrase,

“It’s hotter than hell!”

It’s true for all summer days,

As far as I can tell.

Happy Summer!  Enjoy sweating your ass off!

So I’ve been trying the online dating thing to meet Mr. Right.  Oh, who am I kidding.  I’ll settle for Mr. Decent right now with all of the crap going on in the world.  Anyways, I have a bone to pick with guys and probably girls too on these dating apps.  I hate when people post super old pictures of themselves when they were young and much more attractive.  Stop doing this.  It’s not only misleading, but she’s not going to be very happy when she meets you first the first time and you look nothing like your profile pictures.  She’s going to notice, trust me.  None of my pictures are more than 4 months old.  I am not one to false advertise.  What you see is what you get.

I’m also extremely annoyed with all of the catfishers on these sites.  Grow up and get a life of your own.  I’ve had about 5 people try to catfish me in the last month alone so I think I’m becoming somewhat of an expert in how to detect them.  Here’s a few tips I have learned.

You are probably getting catfished if:

1) There’s only one picture in their profile

2) They’re living in another country for the next few months for the military or work so they won’t be able to meet you in person until they get back

3) They can’t video chat for security reasons because their job is top scecret.

4) They want to switch to google chats or WhatsApp right away after starting a conversation with you. (This is so they won’t get caught on the original dating app for catfishing and get banned from the site.)

5) Their English is spotty, yet they’re a Caucasian from Montana.

I’m sure there are other signs as well, these are just a few patterns I have noticed.  I know they sound so ridiculous that how could anyone fall for them?  I don’t know.  But what I do know is that I believe you really can meet a great guy online, you just have to weed out all of the losers until you do.  So good luck on your own online dating journeys.  I would love to hear about them in your comments.