Author: Stephanie Walters

I seem to be having a little bit of trouble staying awake at work lately in the afternoons.  It’s not because I’m not getting enough sleep at night, or that I’m hungover, or because I’m getting so old that I need afternoon naps (although I am really looking forward to that part of getting old).  I’m pretty sure it’s because my job is boring, like most corporate jobs are.  Unfortunately, dozing off at your desk is frowned upon in corporate American, so I’ve been trying to find a way to disguise my little afternoon snoozes.  This guy I used to work with told me that when he got caught sleeping on the job, he would immediately lift his head up and say “Amen!” so that people thought he was praying.  I thought this was a great idea but I knew I would never be able to pull off praying since I’ve often been told not to reproduce because I would give birth to the Anti-Christ. So, I decided to see if I could pull off a meditation scam instead.  I tried it today for the first time and IT WORKED!!!  My administrative assistant actually apologized for disturbing me during my afternoon mediation and left my office so I could finish meditating.  That was freakin’ awesome!  I don’t know if it will work on my boss but I’m sure I will have a chance to find out soon, considering I can’t stay awake in the afternoon to save my life.  Feel free to give it a try too and let me know how it goes!

Here’s a book I’d be willing to bet you’ve never heard of before.  I know what you’re thinking.  This has got to be a joke, right?  Who the hell in the right mind would mediate with a dog?  I may not be in my right mind most of the time, but it’s still not a joke.  This book actually taught me how to meditate with my dog, Pedro. James Jacobson does a great job in his book teaching you how to mediate with your dog along with many other helpful meditation techniques.  So if you like to mediate and you have a dog, you should check it out.  I’m glad I did and I give it 4 out of 5 stars!

I feel like having a theme week so this week’s theme is meditation.  I practice the art of meditation.  Anything that allows me to stop moving, sit still and close my eyes, and doze on and off is right up my alley.  I’m not sure if you’re supposed to go to sleep during meditation, but I seem to be doing just fine at it.  I’m also not sure if you’re supposed to smoke while you meditate, but I do that too.  I figure God, Buddha, Allah or whoever the hell is up there won’t mind.  Having a guided mediation to use during my practice helps me a great deal.  Here’s one of my favorites for you to try.  Even if you don’t get into a meditative state, you’ll get something out of it.  I promise!  Just give it a try!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=92i5m3tV5XY

Who doesn’t like a good offensive meme?  And if it’s also a Star Wars meme, then it’s down to be even more awesome.  Here are some of my favorite inappropriate Star Wars memes.  If you find them offensive, then you probably still have a soul.  But I’m just going to keep laughing.

I was doing annual enrollment for my benefits at my job today.  They now have a Flex Spending Account for childcare expenses.  In case you don’t know what a Flex Spending Account is, it’s a way to use tax-free dollars from your paycheck on specific expenses.  Many people have heard of a Medical Flex Spending account for medical expenses.  Well, now there’s one for childcare expenses.  Here’s the catch though: it’s only for HUMAN children.  My child is obviously a dog.  His name is Pedro and he’s arguably the best child in the world.  I feel highly discriminated against on the fact that since I chose to have a dog-child instead of a regular one, I don’t get the same tax breaks as other parents.  It’s bad enough that I can’t claim him as a deduction on my income tax, but now you’re telling me that his childcare expenses aren’t as relevant as someone with a human child?  Childcare for my dog is not cheap!  First of all, he has to go to Doggy Daycare twice a week to work on his socialization skills and so that he doesn’t get too lonely at home.  The veterinarian said so.  And second of all, doggy relaxation CDs and his dog sitter DVDs are not cheap either and I’m constantly having to buy new ones so that he doesn’t get too bored on the days he stays home.  And if you think about it, our world is already largely overpopulated.  Those of us that choose fur babies over human babies are being so much more earth-conscious and we should be rewarded dammit, not punished for adopting instead of procreating.  We should be getting extra tax breaks, or at least have a Pet Flex Spending account!  Just sayin’.

I love listening to comedy albums, especially at work and in traffic.  There’s no better way to chill out when you’re feeling on edge than to laugh.  Go ahead, try to stay pissed off when you’re listening to something funny.  I dare you.  You can’t do it, can you?  My favorite comedy album to date is Daniel Tosh’s “True Stories I Made Up”.  It’s an older performance, but it’s definitely a classic.  I love the part where he speculates how different ethnic groups might taste if you were a cannibal.  His take on plastic surgery and the TV show Survivor is hilarious also.  If you’ve never heard this performance, do yourself a favor and check it out.  You’re guaranteed to laugh (unless you don’t, which if that’s the case, blame Daniel for not being funny, not me for having bad taste).

I was hanging out with one of my younger nieces this weekend.  While I was driving on the freeway with her, some guy cut me off and almost caused me to wreck, so naturally I yelled a curse word at him.  Then I quickly remembered I had my six-year-old niece in the car and I told her I was sorry for saying a bad word in front of her and to please not repeat it in front of her mother.  She replied with, “That’s okay.  At my house, we have a big jar and anytime someone says a bad word, they have to put a quarter in the jar.  When we get enough money, we’re going to go to Disney Land!”  That’s awesome.  My sister is teaching her kids to curse their way to Disney World!  My niece seemed so excited about the idea though so I just said, “That’s a neat idea.”  “Yeah,” she replied, “Mommy owes it 50 quarters now.”  That was hysterical!  I couldn’t stop laughing until I got to her house to drop her off and she told her mom, “Mommy, Aunt Steph owes the jar a quarter.  Now we’re even closer to Disney Land!”

If you have a picky kid or just a super nerdy adult you’re trying to feed, here’s a great recipe to try.  It’s relatively easy too (which is totally my kind of cooking).  They’re called TIE Fighter Ties and for those of you who have the misfortune of not knowing very much about Star Wars, TIE Fighters are the aircraft that Darth Vader and the Galactic Empire (evil side) used in battle against the Rebel Alliance (good side).  This recipe comes from the cookbook, The Star Wars Cookbook: Wookie Cookies and Other Galactic Recipes by Robin Davis*.  Here’s how you make them:

TIE Fighter Ties

Ingredients:

4 pre-cooked sausages or hotdogs, approximately 5 inches long

1 package refrigerator bread sticks (8 breadsticks)

Ketchup and mustard

Directions:

• Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F.
• Cut sausages in half crosswise. Set aside.
• Open the package of breadsticks and separate the lengths of dough.
• Cut the lengths in half and set aside. You should have 16 lengths of dough when you are finished.
• Place one sausage half, cut side down, on a baking sheet.
• Take 1 length of dough and wrap it around the base of the sausage half. Cross the ends and let them fall on the baking sheet in the form of the letter V.  Using another length of dough, wrap the same sausage in the opposite direction.  Cross the ends and let them fall in the form of an upside down V.  Repeat with the remaining dough and sausage halves.
• Bake according to the breadstick package directions, or until dough puffs up and turns golden brown.
• Using pot holders, remove from the oven. Serve with ketchup and mustard.

Makes 8 TIE Fighter Ties.

*Be sure to check out The Star Wars Cookbook: Wookie Cookies and Other Galactic Recipes by Robin Davis for other awesome Star Wars recipes.

I got pulled over on my way to work this morning.  Allegedly, I was speeding.  I was really just leading the flow of traffic.  The cop said I was doing 53 in a 35.  I’m not sure if that’s accurate though because I wasn’t paying attention to my speedometer.  I would like to just pause for a second and say that I have the upmost respect for police officers.  My sister is a police officer and I know they have one of the hardest jobs out there.  Some of them though need to get a sense of humor.  When the cop told me I was doing 53 in a 35, I said, “53 in a 35 huh?  Would you believe me if I told you I was dyslectic?”  To which he replied, “No. Here’s your ticket.”  I mean, I thought that was a pretty creative reason for speeding.  I figured if I could make the cop laugh, maybe he would just give me a warning.  Not so much.  I guess he didn’t find it very funny, which means now I get to sit through defensive driving for the 12^th time.  And no, I don’t have a lead foot.  I don’t just get tickets for speeding, I get them for all kinds of things like not stopping at red stuff, creating my own exit off of the highway, and passing people on the shoulder.  (Apparently that’s illegal.  Who would have thought?)  Maybe I do drive like an asshole, but I think the fact that I drive that way and don’t hit things very often just proves what a great driver I am.  Wanna go for a ride?

I always wanted to be a rap star growing up.  I even came up with my rap name, “Whiteout”.  Unfortunately, I fit the stereotypical, white girl mold and I have no rhythm.  But then I found this awesome video game and now I’m a super rap star (but only in my living room).  I have no idea when it came out, but I just saw it for the first time at GameStop the other day.  Def Jam Rap Star is one of the coolest games I have ever played.  I finally get to live out my dreams (sort of).  It’s fun to play with a group of friends, but equally as fun to play by yourself too.  I have it for the Nintendo Wii, but it’s also available in PlayStation 3 and Xbox 360.  I give it 5 out of 5 stars.  Whiteout will make you Jump Jump!