Author: Stephanie Walters

I hate getting ghosted by a guy.  It’s really inconsiderate to just cut off all contact with someone because you’ve decided you’re just not that in to them.  They should at least tell you why.  I get it.  You can’t make yourself like someone.  If it’s not there, it’s not there.  But at least let them know that.  This is why I think all men and women should have to take an exit survey when they end a relationship.  This way, the person getting dumped knows whether they did something wrong or if the person doing the dumping has some kind of issue (like maybe just being a douche bag).  Maybe there should be an intro survey as well so you don’t waste your time on some loser.  I actually already give a test to any potential date.  Here’s a sample question from my survey (just to make sure I don’t repeat past mistakes).  Feel free to borrow if you’d like!

1) Please check all that apply:

• I am already married to someone else
• I don’t have a job
• I don’t have a place to live
• I don’t have my own mode of transportation
• I am not in the United States legally
• I am gay
• I am a meth head
• I am a serial killer
• I am a total douche bag

Since Halloween is right around the corner, I thought I’d mix Star Wars in with a little Halloween this week.  I love Halloween!  It’s my absolute favorite holiday.  I tend to go all out with the candy, decorations, and of course, costumes.  Even my dog dresses up.  Here’s a picture of my Chihuahua in his Ewok costume.  His name was Pancho Villa (yes, I’ve been told that Poncho is spelled with an “o”, but I’ve never been very good at spelling) and he truly was a special dog.  I named him after a Mexican Gangster because he had a very tough life before I adopted him so I figured he needed a tough name.  Even though he doesn’t look super thrilled in this picture, it will always be one of my favorite pictures of him because it mixes all the things I love: my dogs, Halloween, and Star Wars!

I’m not sure why people have to be such jerks on the road, especially during morning rush hour.  Why in the hell do they want to get to work so quickly?  I’m never in any hurry to get there.  I especially hate when I “accidently” cut someone off and they start tail gaiting me.  That is just so rude!  People should really be more considerate on the road, don’t you think?  I just don’t understand why so many people have road rage.  It feels like road rage is becoming an epidemic.  I’m a firm believer that we should just put Prozac in the water supply system so that everyone can chill the hell out.  The world would be so much more peaceful.  

Awhile back I reviewed a book titled, “People I Want to Punch in the Throat” by Jen Mann.  I liked that book so much, that I read another book of hers titled, “Working with People I Want to Punch in the Throat”.  I related to this book even better than the last one!  It was extremely funny.  Anyone who’s ever have a crappy job will relate!  I recommend checking it out.  I give it 5 out of 5 stars.

So I went to an Houston Astros game awhile back…with my dog Pedro.  That’s right!  The Astros have one game a year where you can bring your dog.  It’s called “Bark at the Park” and it is super awesome.  Not only do you get to watch the game with your dog, but they have tons of vendors and all kinds of activities to do with your dog (including doggy tattoos)!  Pedro and I go every year.  We were having a great time this year, right up until Alex Bregman hit a homerun.  This was great for the Astros but it turned out to not be very good for me.  When they shot off the homerun canon, it scared the piss out of Pedro!  Literally.  Like he peed in my lap.  It was absolutely disgusting, but at least the Astros won.

I sing about as well as you would expect Jabba the Hut to sing.  I was actually in the top choir in high school but the choir direction would make me lip sync because I sounded so bad.  I have no idea how I got into the top choir, but they got to miss a lot of school so it was the perfect elective for me.  And because of that, I am now amazing at lip syncing.  Anyways, today I thought I would mix Star Wars with lip syncing.  My favorite all time Star Wars lip syncing video is “SEAGULLS! (Stop It Now)” on YouTube.  My favorite line from Yoda is “Everyone told me not to stroll on that beach.  Said Seagulls gonna come poke me in the coconut, and they did.”  Be sure to check out this video for a whole new view of Star Wars.

Seagull! Stop it Now!

So I went on a date with this guy last night whom I met online.  It did not go well at all.  I showed up to the restaurant and was waiting by the bar where my date was supposed to meet me.  Some other guy walked up and introduced himself to me.  I figured it was just some guy trying to hit on me so I politely told him I was meeting someone there.  He said, “I know.  You’re meeting me.”  “No really,” I replied, “I’m waiting for someone.”  Then he said, “I know, I’m Josh.”  This guy looked nothing like the profile picture of the guy I was supposed to be meeting.  In fact, he was the total opposite of the guy I was meeting.  Pick an undesirable trait and this guy had it.  I got really confused at first, then I figured it out.  The guy I was meeting was playing a joke on me.  He sent this random dude up to me to be funny.  I started laughing and said, “Oh my God.  Josh is so funny.  He sent you up to meet me instead as a joke.  Where is he?”  The guy wasn’t laughing though.  He just said, “No, I’m really Josh, the guy you’re supposed to be meeting.”  I kind of froze for a minute.  I wasn’t sure how to handle the situation at first.  Should I confront him?  Should I just leave?  I did spend a long time getting ready and maybe I was just being really superficial.  Maybe this guy had an amazing personality and was intelligent and funny and we would have a great time.  Plus, to be honest, if I looked like this dude, I would be tempted to use someone else’s photo too.  So I followed him to the table hoping for a nice evening.  But that didn’t happened.  This guy had no sense of humor so he found me extremely inappropriate.  He wasn’t very bright and had basically no personality at all.  I started throwing drinks back thinking maybe if I’m drunk this situation won’t seem so bad.  But that didn’t even work.  Not only did this guy play air guitar for me in the middle of a boardwalk with tons of people around, but he even played air piano for me too!  I was humiliated and pissed off that he lied  so I finally told him I was leaving, that I didn’t appreciate what he had done, and to “Call me never!”  What a douche bag!

Many of you have probably heard of this game, but for those who haven’t, you have to check it out!  It is one of the most inappropriate and hilarious games I have ever played which is the perfect game for someone like me!  Basically, you answer questions and fill in the blanks with answer cards you have drawn that are downright dirty, disgusting, and completely awesome!  This has quickly become my all-time favorite game and it’s a great game for pulling the filth out of your mind.  There are expansion packs too so don’t forget to check those out!  It give it 6 out of 5 starts because it’s so freaking amazing!

I started taking ukulele lessons last year.  Why the ukulele you want to know?  To be honest, I’m not sure.  I woke up one morning and decided I was going to learn to play an instrument.  So I went to the music store that night and walked out with a ukulele. Why I didn’t walk out with a guitar, I don’t know (probably because they are a lot more expensive and I don’t always stick with stuff like this for very long).  Anyways, I’m pretty sure it was an early mid-life crisis hobby but I’ve stuck with it for over a year now and I absolutely love it!  I have an awesome instructor and the place where I take my lessons has four recitals a year, which I totally play in every time.  Yeah, I may be the only ukulele player.  And I’m usually the only adult.  And half of the kids play better than I do.  But, I don’t feel stupid at all during the recital because me and the rest of the kids are all at the same skill level, so I’m sure no one finds me performing with a bunch of kids weird at all.

Since this is meditation week, I looked for something funny related to both Star Wars and meditation.  You’d think it would be easy since meditation plays such a large part in the Star Wars movies.  But nope!  I couldn’t find one funny Star Wars mediation.  However, closely related to mediation is yoga, which I also practice, and I happened to come across these amazing Star Wars yoga poses.  Not only are the awesome, but pretty funny too (at least for Star Wars geeks).  I don’t know if you’re really supposed to attempt these or just laugh at them, but I hope you enjoy them either way, and if someone takes a picture of you performing one of these poses, I will totally post it on my blog.  Consider that a dare!