I love my dog. I think that’s pretty obvious to anyone who knows me. I think Pedro loves me too (I mean, I am his dog mom). Someone at work the other day asked me if I was ever going to have kids. I replied, “I already do. I have Pedro.”
“No, I mean real kids,” they said.
“He is a real kid,” I replied. “And I’d be willing to bet he’s a better kid than yours is.” Then, to justify that response, I came up with 10 reasons why dogs are better than kids. And of course, I’m going to share those reasons with you, so here goes.
1) No CPS problems. You can leave a dog at home without a babysitter and you don’t have to worry about your neighbor calling CPS on you, and there’s no age restriction. A puppy may be a baby, but you can still leave him by himself with virtually no consequences (unless of course he poops in your shoe and you don’t realize it until you put the shoe on).
2) No nasty diapers. You can train a dog to go outside while they’re still a puppy, and it takes way less time than training a toddler. Bet you can’t say that about your kid.
3) They cost less. Even with Vet bills, dogs are still cheaper than children because they don’t want to play sports or do cheerleading, you don’t have to buy them new clothes every year (in fact, you don’t have to buy them clothes at all), and they’re perfectly content playing with an old sock so no expensive toys are required.
4) They don’t talk back. In fact, dogs don’t talk at all, which is nice. Of course, they do bark occasionally but your kid will make 9 times more noise than a dog in the first two years of life according to a survey I made up for this blog post.
5) Dogs are way lower maintenance. You only have to bathe a dog once a month. You have to wash a kid like every day. Unless, of course, you don’t mind sending your child to school all dirty and stinky, in which case the school principle is likely to call CPS on you this time instead of your neighbor.
6) Dogs like to nap a lot. I also like to nap a lot. Who doesn’t? So I would say that’s a perfect match. A sleeping dog is also very quiet (see #4) and they don’t cry when they wake up, they simply get of out their bed and stroll around the house until they find you.
7) Dogs are smarter than babies. My dog was already an escape artist by the time he was one year old. He could get past any barrier in the house. Your kid was probably still drooling on himself and couldn’t even walk yet when he was a year old. Enough said!
8) Dogs are more self-sufficient. From the very get go, a dog can walk, go outside and pee by himself, and entertain himself with squeaky toys. Show me a baby that can do at least one of those things and I’ll be impressed.
9) Dogs are more considerate. They don’t wake you up in the middle of the night because they had a bad dream. Instead, if a dog does wake up, he usually just goes back to sleep with bothering you at all. And, dogs don’t tell you the food you just spent an hour cooking tastes bad. They pretty much eat everything like it’s their last meal, making you feel like a professional chef.
10) Dogs have shorter life spans. The longest a dog can live is 16-17 years. Your kid could live up to 80-90 years. Therefore, if you end up with an asshole kid, you could be stuck with them for the rest of your life! If you end up with an asshole dog, all you have to do is wait util he dies and you can go get a different one.
I’m very thankful for my dog child. He means the world to me. I wouldn’t trade him for a human child no matter what. Even if you offered me a ton of money! Or said you would make me a famous ukulele player! Or told me I could have a lifetime supply of Little Debbie Snacks! Well, let’s not get too crazy now. I’ll be honest, I might go for the little Debbie Snacks, as long as I didn’t have to share them with my human kid of course.
Stephanie Walters 